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/ Wednesday, 27 September 2017 @07:27 /

I was going through my tweets (like the narcissist that I am) and I came across a tweet that I made about a year ago. "Exciting times ahead", I tweeted and it made me really sad. I can't really pinpoint what exactly I was excited about but I don't think that's what had made me sad. It was more of the fact that I find myself not being excited for things. Of course it's easy to look back at things with rose coloured glasses, even your own memories but it made me realise how unnecessarily sad I was being. I think for at least the last 6 months, I've been stuck in this self pitying rut. I'm not going to lie, it's definitely a self induced rut. It's like I've grown too comfortable and too sad to do anything about myself. It definitely has been this cycle of being petty and being petty about people not realising that I'm upset and then being even more upset about how petty I'm being. And honestly the more I think about it, the more I'm like "what the fuck is wrong with me?". This is what I mean by being unnecessarily sad, like who the fuck thinks so much that they get sad?? Which makes me think that the reason that I try to work so much and spend so much time studying is to stop being so fucking boring and sad. After thinking about all these things, the only constructive thought that came to my head, was that exciting things don't just happen. You make the exciting things. Which sounds really fucking dumb and cringey but I think when you're so caught up in your own head, you forget about the most simple things. Now that sounds all well and good but what do I do with this epiphany?? I think the things that really stands out to me is that I should really find a job related to my passion- teaching. I know I said before that work is just an excuse I use to not do things but I honestly feel like I will be a lot more satisfied if I could find a job related to what I love. Which means that I will need to quit one of my jobs right now. It is something I honestly think about almost every day, it's crazy. There are a number of factors stopping me- the people, the money and it's the sheer fact that it makes me feel needed (whether or not this is true, is a different story but a girl can dream). Which is dumb because I could always get this out of a new job but I'm very scared. Which brings us full circle bc my bitch ass behaviour is the reason hi why I'm so unhappy.

So what to do, what to do??

As always, I never really know what the fuck I'm doing when I'm writing these but nonetheless, we're here.

/ Sunday, 3 September 2017 @04:39 /

As you become older, I think you really begin to understand how easy friendships are.
I think there is this conception that friendships are so hard when you're an adult. (wowowo new phase in my life ~adult tingz~) But I don't know if it's like the era that we live in or it might just be me but friendships are so simple now. I back track when I say that their easy, what I really mean is that they're very simple and straightforward.

At least in my case, someone I consider to be a close friend is someone who I see, physically, quite regularly (whether it be fortnightly, monthly whatever), and between those catch ups, I "talk" to them via social media/text/ u know the deal. I put the word talk in quotations because I use it very very loosely. If someone sends me a snap or mentions me in a comment or replies to my mentions or lols at my tweets, that's talking to me. And you might be thinking "wow this girl is fking antisocial af and her friendships are so shallow" and I can totally understand why you would form that opinion of me. Honestly as I'm writing this, I'm thinking maybe there is something wrong with me LOL BUT looking at my friendships now and some of the friendships that I used to have //high school// I don't think I would have it any other way. And this is where this idea of simple friendships comes in because I am an adult, with responsibilities (uni and work are the bane of my existence and are slowly crushing my soul) and I have adult friends with their own kinds of responsibilities and if being friends means tagging them in a dumb meme than I'll take that over any kind of fake "friendship goals" bs.

It's this unspoken promise that I'll be here if you need me, you just gotta show some kind of small gesture that you still want me around. I'm so tired of waiting on people to show that they care so I simplified the process and if you can't even do that for me than cya l8er.

I think the idea of adult friendships being hard to maintain comes from this idea that you're too busy to catch up. It makes complete sense but it literally takes two seconds to be like "yo I saw you trying that new burger joint, how good is it??" We're in an age where social media allows you to communicate regularly with people half way around the world, why would you let that go to waste?And I mean of course there is that problem of miscommunication or life moving too fast and you just forget about replying to a message but that's life tho. Those things can easily be fixed by agreeing to have brunch once a month right?

I definitely agree that an online relationship doesn't make up for actually physically seeing and talking to someone but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. People talk about maintaining relationships being too hard but they're only as hard as you make them. It's all about knowing your priorities and sticking to them. If you're not going to commit a 100% into a friendship/relationship then stop wasting your time and stop wasting other people's time.

You might be thinking, where did this come from all of a sudden? Don't think too deeply about it AHAH If you're trying to analyse this and make this about someone then stop. I do this thing where I kind of just reevaluate my life every couple of months or so. Sometimes it can be super enlightening and sometimes I'm even more confused. A thing that became more pertinent, even tho I'm lowkey thinking about it all the time, is where I stand with my friendships. I'm a naturally anxious and insecure person and there are times where I've been like "oh fk they're hanging out with so and so like what does that make me??" and I'm not going to lie but it happens pretty often. And then there comes this self hate because I feel so fking petty and dumb and it just becomes this cycle of negativity and resentment. So I'm trying to do something about these emotions rather than let them make me upset and angry.

It's honestly really easy to be angry and upset with the world but at the same time it's really fking exhausting and I have a lot on my plate and I really can't afford to be so emotionally tired. I said before that friendships are more simple than they seem but another important thing to remember is the intent and the emotion behind an action. There are a bunch of simple things that I could have integrated into my life, but didn't because I felt like I was being annoying or stupid. When the reality was that it would've made my life so much better. So what I'm trying to say is that simple things can be more meaningful than what it looks like?? And that you have to constantly remind reflect on what you're doing and why you're doing it and how does it make you feel. Because that's the thing that's going to keep you going.

I honestly don't know what the fuck happened. It kinda started somewhere and it ended up completely different to how I imagined it LOL THAT'S LIFE YO
((I just needed somewhere to word vomit and although it is a mess I hope someone out there can take something remotely positive out of this bye see u in 6 months))

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