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/ Wednesday, 27 September 2017 @07:27 /

I was going through my tweets (like the narcissist that I am) and I came across a tweet that I made about a year ago. "Exciting times ahead", I tweeted and it made me really sad. I can't really pinpoint what exactly I was excited about but I don't think that's what had made me sad. It was more of the fact that I find myself not being excited for things. Of course it's easy to look back at things with rose coloured glasses, even your own memories but it made me realise how unnecessarily sad I was being. I think for at least the last 6 months, I've been stuck in this self pitying rut. I'm not going to lie, it's definitely a self induced rut. It's like I've grown too comfortable and too sad to do anything about myself. It definitely has been this cycle of being petty and being petty about people not realising that I'm upset and then being even more upset about how petty I'm being. And honestly the more I think about it, the more I'm like "what the fuck is wrong with me?". This is what I mean by being unnecessarily sad, like who the fuck thinks so much that they get sad?? Which makes me think that the reason that I try to work so much and spend so much time studying is to stop being so fucking boring and sad. After thinking about all these things, the only constructive thought that came to my head, was that exciting things don't just happen. You make the exciting things. Which sounds really fucking dumb and cringey but I think when you're so caught up in your own head, you forget about the most simple things. Now that sounds all well and good but what do I do with this epiphany?? I think the things that really stands out to me is that I should really find a job related to my passion- teaching. I know I said before that work is just an excuse I use to not do things but I honestly feel like I will be a lot more satisfied if I could find a job related to what I love. Which means that I will need to quit one of my jobs right now. It is something I honestly think about almost every day, it's crazy. There are a number of factors stopping me- the people, the money and it's the sheer fact that it makes me feel needed (whether or not this is true, is a different story but a girl can dream). Which is dumb because I could always get this out of a new job but I'm very scared. Which brings us full circle bc my bitch ass behaviour is the reason hi why I'm so unhappy.

So what to do, what to do??

As always, I never really know what the fuck I'm doing when I'm writing these but nonetheless, we're here.

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