A new semester of university is starting soon and this semester I'll be going in with three jobs. Even typing it sounds crazy but I vowed this year that I would look after myself and I intend to keep that promise. During the break because I had nothing to do, I was working 6 days a week and on the one day that I was off, I would make it a point to go out. I was like that for about 3 weeks and I could feel myself being drained of energy. Now with another job and uni on top of it, I know I couldn't keep this up. It wouldn't be fair to the students that I plan to tutor and not fair to myself either.
So with the way things are going, I only plan to do about 20 hours a week, which is a big change from doing 20-25 hours, sometimes almost 30 hours (and that's including university). My bank account is definitely going to be very sad but with how crazy I've been mentally and getting sick so often, this is what I need. It's definitely a lesson in not just self care but also learning to say "no". The amount of times I've agreed to do things, even though I really didn't want to is ridiculous. This new job is exactly where I want to be and I need to let go of the way that I'm living, in order for me to do it properly. I can't let my guilty conscience run my life.
So here's me hoping that all goes well this semester. The sheer idea of it, actually makes me want to throw up but fingers crossed.
My soft and sensitive heart does not need a soft and sensitive man.
Or any kind of man for that matter.
Rather, it needs a focus.
The emotion needs to be channeled into something productive.
An outlet which allows it to feel wholeheartedly without letting it consume itself.
A place for it’s softness to be acknowledged and valued.
A way for it to express itself and turning that into something that speaks to people.
My soft and sensitive heart has so much to share, if only it knew how.
Explain to me how to become a confident, independent, fully functioning human of society, when even the idea of leaving the house makes me nervous and anxious. everything drives me crazy. how do I stop the feeling of dread from filling every single pore in my body
Just even for one day I'd like the simple indulgence of being infatuated with someone.
I think I could accept rejection and the pain of a one sided love, if I could experience the butterflies of a stupid crush. I hear so many people talk about serious relationships, commitment, even marriage and just for a moment I would like to remember what it feels like to mindlessly adore someone. To look at someone and only feel pure, unadulterated love.
It sounds immature, but in a world where all I'm doing is thinking and overthinking, it'd be nice to be able to just feel.
For those who don't know, I recently turned 20 and it's pretty scary. I feel like I should be a new person but it just comes with more responsibilities. A responsibility to look after myself and push myself to be a better person. It sounds pretty lame but if we can't do that for ourselves than what's the point? New year, new Ash
It's okay to be satisfied by superficial things
I think this is one of the biggest things I learnt while working. If I had a dollar for the amount of times I've been asked "why do you work so much", I wouldn't need to work. I like earning because I can spend it on whatever the fuck I like. I don't have a car or a house or anything big in mind. I just want to buy a fuck ton of books and makeup, is that so bad? I think this way of thinking applies to most things. If the only reason you go to the gym is so that people will compliment you on ig, then you do you. Not everything has to have a deep ass meaning. As long as you're happy, then that's all that matters. People will judge you regardless, so do whatever you want.
Don't let guilt consume you
I'm guilty of agreeing to things because I feel bad. Or just not doing what I want because I'll feel guilty about it later on. Whether it's saying yes to something or not doing something because of the chance that someone else might not like it. At times, it's definitely this perceived worry that actually isn't real. Like if I actually wanted to do what I want, there would be no real repercussions. I'm just stressed about future guilt that I would feel. So moral of the story, don't worry too much. Something I actually haven't learnt tbh LMAO A realisation more than anything.
There is still room to grow in self-love
There's this idea that if you love yourself, you can't change yourself. I think a big part of accepting who you are, is accepting that you have flaws and that you can change. If anything, loving yourself means being open to change. Realising that you aren't the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, even a different person from yesterday. I'm allowed to love myself and still think I'm a dumb cunt. Accept myself and still realise that I look goofy af. Self love and self care means knowing that you are good, but you can be better.
Always make time for people you love and care about
This is something that I really appreciate when it's done for me and I try to make the effort to do the same. If you can't take 5 minutes out of your day, to ask someone how they're doing that you need to reevaluate yourself. Life is hard and it gets busy but if you're using that as an excuse you are the worst kind of friend. I'm at a point in my life where if I didn't want someone in my life, I could easily break them off. With that in mind, I think it's important to realise who is important to you and why they're important. In that same vein, think about what can you do to make sure that the relationship is 10/10
Skincare is everything
This might just apply to me, but learning to take care of my skin has been really therapeutic. There is nothing that calms me down more, than taking a moment to take care of myself. I guess it is a form of self care that I find really satisfying and enjoyable. My skincare journey is really funny to me, because I never really wore makeup because I was scared that it would make my skin worse. I then started wearing makeup more regularly and this led to me spending more time taking care of my skin. As a result my skin improved drastically and I stopped wearing crazy amounts of base makeup. It was this weird cycle and here I am. A crazy skincare hoarder. Honestly, it is very expensive, but I honestly think that taking care of your skin is crucial and a sign of good health. Get on it, guys and gals!!!!
Take a moment to be creative
I feel as if being creative is honestly so helpful in self growth. When I say creative, I don't necessarily mean creating something from scratch. Something that I personally enjoy, that a feel like is kinda creative, is adding to my pinterest boards. It feels like I'm creating a particular aesthetic for my life. Maybe it's not exactly creativity, but it's finding a different way to do something that you normally do. For me, it's changing up my makeup, or re organising my book situation. Doing something small and different, shakes up life with minimal effort. It keeps things fresh and breaks up the mundanity of life.
Relationships
Sometimes I wonder if I even have a right to talk about relationships with my very obvious single status LOL I go through this cycle of wanting to be in a relationship and being really proud of my independence. At the end of the day, I think everything requires a certain amount of effort. I think if I tried a lot harder and put myself out there, I could find someone. At the same time, I just feel not ready for a relationship. Like I'm too immature or too insecure to let someone in my life. I have too much emotional baggage and that's not me trying to make an excuse. I guess this is me trying to say that I need to constantly work on myself and my flaws. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, if they had to be with someone who couldn't look after themselves. And also to put more effort into getting to know people. If I'm interested I should just go for it. I have this fear that people won't like me and it's just something that I need to get over. Important life lessons yo
it's all love
all love that I'm thinking of,
the fury of, the triumph of,
the madness of,
love.
Here Come The Dogs - Omar Musa
I'm writing this post today to talk about the novel Here Come The Dogs. I am absolutely enamoured by it.
Sometimes when I talk about the "type" of guys that I like, I always say something along the lines of someone who can appreciate books, tv, movies, etc. in the same way I do but also someone who has a similar upbringing to me (that first generation australian, immigrant parents, low key ghetto, refugee hustle life yo). Or in kind of simple terms a USYD student combined with people from my high school. I don't know if it's just me and the kind of people I attract but I feel like I don't know many people like that. I bring this up because I feel like this novel encompasses this perfectly. The novel jumps from prose to poetry. The book starts with "where are these cunts?" and also explores themes of race, gender, family, love, dare I say, belonging and discovery.
There is something so raw and so no bullshit about the novel that really speaks to me. I can't say that I relate directly to the experiences of the characters, but the core issues and the way its presented, resonates deeply with me. The novel is centred around three different men and I think what makes this novel, well for me at least, is that these men are people you grew up with, people you work with, people you know from the local cafe you go to- they feel so real and that's what I love.
And as much as I love killer characters, the book is very poetic- as in parts of it are literally poetry too. But the way Musa writes, it's the type of stuff that you wish you had said yourself or want to throw into your instagram caption because that's how beautiful it sounds (or maybe that's just me AHAH) ALSO as much as it is beautiful, it does explore some real issues that are bound to make people uncomfortable and I think it's that contrast between beauty and discomfit that really makes the book stand out. It's easy to be disillusioned by beauty but the book really lays down the reality of the situation and it is really jarring at times but I think that's life right?
Throwing it back to an old post I made about people and contradictory features (props to u if u rmbr), I spoke about how all people have sides to them seem like they conflict with how they normally are but that's just part of who they are- and more broadly what it means to be a human. Like we aren't restricted by rules- you can enjoy both Bodak Yellow and Black Pink and there is nothing wrong with that (sounds like someone I know???).
Again, where am I going with this?? Well, to me this novel is like that with the so called contradictions. You don't expect a book that uses the word "cunt" to be heartbreakingly poetic, but it is. To be real and to be true and to speak on things that might be controversial or problematic is beautiful. I don't fuck with meaningless ~aesthetics~ and I think that's why I'm so obsessed with this book. The book has a real "fuck it" attitude and I'm all for it. 10/10 would DEFINITELY recommend.
((is it obvious that I just wanted to talk about bc nobody else would listen to me rave about the same shit over and over again))
I was going through my tweets (like the narcissist that I am) and I came across a tweet that I made about a year ago. "Exciting times ahead", I tweeted and it made me really sad. I can't really pinpoint what exactly I was excited about but I don't think that's what had made me sad. It was more of the fact that I find myself not being excited for things. Of course it's easy to look back at things with rose coloured glasses, even your own memories but it made me realise how unnecessarily sad I was being. I think for at least the last 6 months, I've been stuck in this self pitying rut. I'm not going to lie, it's definitely a self induced rut. It's like I've grown too comfortable and too sad to do anything about myself. It definitely has been this cycle of being petty and being petty about people not realising that I'm upset and then being even more upset about how petty I'm being. And honestly the more I think about it, the more I'm like "what the fuck is wrong with me?". This is what I mean by being unnecessarily sad, like who the fuck thinks so much that they get sad?? Which makes me think that the reason that I try to work so much and spend so much time studying is to stop being so fucking boring and sad. After thinking about all these things, the only constructive thought that came to my head, was that exciting things don't just happen. You make the exciting things. Which sounds really fucking dumb and cringey but I think when you're so caught up in your own head, you forget about the most simple things. Now that sounds all well and good but what do I do with this epiphany?? I think the things that really stands out to me is that I should really find a job related to my passion- teaching. I know I said before that work is just an excuse I use to not do things but I honestly feel like I will be a lot more satisfied if I could find a job related to what I love. Which means that I will need to quit one of my jobs right now. It is something I honestly think about almost every day, it's crazy. There are a number of factors stopping me- the people, the money and it's the sheer fact that it makes me feel needed (whether or not this is true, is a different story but a girl can dream). Which is dumb because I could always get this out of a new job but I'm very scared. Which brings us full circle bc my bitch ass behaviour is the reason hi why I'm so unhappy.
So what to do, what to do??
As always, I never really know what the fuck I'm doing when I'm writing these but nonetheless, we're here.
By months | March 2015, April 2015, May 2015, August 2015, September 2015, October 2015, November 2015, December 2015, January 2016, February 2016, March 2016, April 2016, May 2016, June 2016, July 2016, August 2016, September 2016, March 2017, September 2017, October 2017, November 2017, January 2018, February 2018,
By posts | Pick a star in the sky. We can both say goodbye., Got a mind full of TNT, you made plans and i, i made problems, indulge with infatuation// always be my baby - mar..., realisations of a 20 year old, "Lately I can't help but notice contrasts in peopl..., hi hello, Honey, we don't need no fake magic, The art of handwriting // New Perspective, But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the ...,
A new semester of university is starting soon and this semester I'll be going in with three jobs. Even typing it sounds crazy but I vowed this year that I would look after myself and I intend to keep that promise. During the break because I had nothing to do, I was working 6 days a week and on the one day that I was off, I would make it a point to go out. I was like that for about 3 weeks and I could feel myself being drained of energy. Now with another job and uni on top of it, I know I couldn't keep this up. It wouldn't be fair to the students that I plan to tutor and not fair to myself either.
So with the way things are going, I only plan to do about 20 hours a week, which is a big change from doing 20-25 hours, sometimes almost 30 hours (and that's including university). My bank account is definitely going to be very sad but with how crazy I've been mentally and getting sick so often, this is what I need. It's definitely a lesson in not just self care but also learning to say "no". The amount of times I've agreed to do things, even though I really didn't want to is ridiculous. This new job is exactly where I want to be and I need to let go of the way that I'm living, in order for me to do it properly. I can't let my guilty conscience run my life.
So here's me hoping that all goes well this semester. The sheer idea of it, actually makes me want to throw up but fingers crossed.
My soft and sensitive heart does not need a soft and sensitive man.
Or any kind of man for that matter.
Rather, it needs a focus.
The emotion needs to be channeled into something productive.
An outlet which allows it to feel wholeheartedly without letting it consume itself.
A place for it’s softness to be acknowledged and valued.
A way for it to express itself and turning that into something that speaks to people.
My soft and sensitive heart has so much to share, if only it knew how.
Explain to me how to become a confident, independent, fully functioning human of society, when even the idea of leaving the house makes me nervous and anxious. everything drives me crazy. how do I stop the feeling of dread from filling every single pore in my body
Just even for one day I'd like the simple indulgence of being infatuated with someone.
I think I could accept rejection and the pain of a one sided love, if I could experience the butterflies of a stupid crush. I hear so many people talk about serious relationships, commitment, even marriage and just for a moment I would like to remember what it feels like to mindlessly adore someone. To look at someone and only feel pure, unadulterated love.
It sounds immature, but in a world where all I'm doing is thinking and overthinking, it'd be nice to be able to just feel.
For those who don't know, I recently turned 20 and it's pretty scary. I feel like I should be a new person but it just comes with more responsibilities. A responsibility to look after myself and push myself to be a better person. It sounds pretty lame but if we can't do that for ourselves than what's the point? New year, new Ash
It's okay to be satisfied by superficial things
I think this is one of the biggest things I learnt while working. If I had a dollar for the amount of times I've been asked "why do you work so much", I wouldn't need to work. I like earning because I can spend it on whatever the fuck I like. I don't have a car or a house or anything big in mind. I just want to buy a fuck ton of books and makeup, is that so bad? I think this way of thinking applies to most things. If the only reason you go to the gym is so that people will compliment you on ig, then you do you. Not everything has to have a deep ass meaning. As long as you're happy, then that's all that matters. People will judge you regardless, so do whatever you want.
Don't let guilt consume you
I'm guilty of agreeing to things because I feel bad. Or just not doing what I want because I'll feel guilty about it later on. Whether it's saying yes to something or not doing something because of the chance that someone else might not like it. At times, it's definitely this perceived worry that actually isn't real. Like if I actually wanted to do what I want, there would be no real repercussions. I'm just stressed about future guilt that I would feel. So moral of the story, don't worry too much. Something I actually haven't learnt tbh LMAO A realisation more than anything.
There is still room to grow in self-love
There's this idea that if you love yourself, you can't change yourself. I think a big part of accepting who you are, is accepting that you have flaws and that you can change. If anything, loving yourself means being open to change. Realising that you aren't the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, even a different person from yesterday. I'm allowed to love myself and still think I'm a dumb cunt. Accept myself and still realise that I look goofy af. Self love and self care means knowing that you are good, but you can be better.
Always make time for people you love and care about
This is something that I really appreciate when it's done for me and I try to make the effort to do the same. If you can't take 5 minutes out of your day, to ask someone how they're doing that you need to reevaluate yourself. Life is hard and it gets busy but if you're using that as an excuse you are the worst kind of friend. I'm at a point in my life where if I didn't want someone in my life, I could easily break them off. With that in mind, I think it's important to realise who is important to you and why they're important. In that same vein, think about what can you do to make sure that the relationship is 10/10
Skincare is everything
This might just apply to me, but learning to take care of my skin has been really therapeutic. There is nothing that calms me down more, than taking a moment to take care of myself. I guess it is a form of self care that I find really satisfying and enjoyable. My skincare journey is really funny to me, because I never really wore makeup because I was scared that it would make my skin worse. I then started wearing makeup more regularly and this led to me spending more time taking care of my skin. As a result my skin improved drastically and I stopped wearing crazy amounts of base makeup. It was this weird cycle and here I am. A crazy skincare hoarder. Honestly, it is very expensive, but I honestly think that taking care of your skin is crucial and a sign of good health. Get on it, guys and gals!!!!
Take a moment to be creative
I feel as if being creative is honestly so helpful in self growth. When I say creative, I don't necessarily mean creating something from scratch. Something that I personally enjoy, that a feel like is kinda creative, is adding to my pinterest boards. It feels like I'm creating a particular aesthetic for my life. Maybe it's not exactly creativity, but it's finding a different way to do something that you normally do. For me, it's changing up my makeup, or re organising my book situation. Doing something small and different, shakes up life with minimal effort. It keeps things fresh and breaks up the mundanity of life.
Relationships
Sometimes I wonder if I even have a right to talk about relationships with my very obvious single status LOL I go through this cycle of wanting to be in a relationship and being really proud of my independence. At the end of the day, I think everything requires a certain amount of effort. I think if I tried a lot harder and put myself out there, I could find someone. At the same time, I just feel not ready for a relationship. Like I'm too immature or too insecure to let someone in my life. I have too much emotional baggage and that's not me trying to make an excuse. I guess this is me trying to say that I need to constantly work on myself and my flaws. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, if they had to be with someone who couldn't look after themselves. And also to put more effort into getting to know people. If I'm interested I should just go for it. I have this fear that people won't like me and it's just something that I need to get over. Important life lessons yo
it's all love
all love that I'm thinking of,
the fury of, the triumph of,
the madness of,
love.
Here Come The Dogs - Omar Musa
I'm writing this post today to talk about the novel Here Come The Dogs. I am absolutely enamoured by it.
Sometimes when I talk about the "type" of guys that I like, I always say something along the lines of someone who can appreciate books, tv, movies, etc. in the same way I do but also someone who has a similar upbringing to me (that first generation australian, immigrant parents, low key ghetto, refugee hustle life yo). Or in kind of simple terms a USYD student combined with people from my high school. I don't know if it's just me and the kind of people I attract but I feel like I don't know many people like that. I bring this up because I feel like this novel encompasses this perfectly. The novel jumps from prose to poetry. The book starts with "where are these cunts?" and also explores themes of race, gender, family, love, dare I say, belonging and discovery.
There is something so raw and so no bullshit about the novel that really speaks to me. I can't say that I relate directly to the experiences of the characters, but the core issues and the way its presented, resonates deeply with me. The novel is centred around three different men and I think what makes this novel, well for me at least, is that these men are people you grew up with, people you work with, people you know from the local cafe you go to- they feel so real and that's what I love.
And as much as I love killer characters, the book is very poetic- as in parts of it are literally poetry too. But the way Musa writes, it's the type of stuff that you wish you had said yourself or want to throw into your instagram caption because that's how beautiful it sounds (or maybe that's just me AHAH) ALSO as much as it is beautiful, it does explore some real issues that are bound to make people uncomfortable and I think it's that contrast between beauty and discomfit that really makes the book stand out. It's easy to be disillusioned by beauty but the book really lays down the reality of the situation and it is really jarring at times but I think that's life right?
Throwing it back to an old post I made about people and contradictory features (props to u if u rmbr), I spoke about how all people have sides to them seem like they conflict with how they normally are but that's just part of who they are- and more broadly what it means to be a human. Like we aren't restricted by rules- you can enjoy both Bodak Yellow and Black Pink and there is nothing wrong with that (sounds like someone I know???).
Again, where am I going with this?? Well, to me this novel is like that with the so called contradictions. You don't expect a book that uses the word "cunt" to be heartbreakingly poetic, but it is. To be real and to be true and to speak on things that might be controversial or problematic is beautiful. I don't fuck with meaningless ~aesthetics~ and I think that's why I'm so obsessed with this book. The book has a real "fuck it" attitude and I'm all for it. 10/10 would DEFINITELY recommend.
((is it obvious that I just wanted to talk about bc nobody else would listen to me rave about the same shit over and over again))
I was going through my tweets (like the narcissist that I am) and I came across a tweet that I made about a year ago. "Exciting times ahead", I tweeted and it made me really sad. I can't really pinpoint what exactly I was excited about but I don't think that's what had made me sad. It was more of the fact that I find myself not being excited for things. Of course it's easy to look back at things with rose coloured glasses, even your own memories but it made me realise how unnecessarily sad I was being. I think for at least the last 6 months, I've been stuck in this self pitying rut. I'm not going to lie, it's definitely a self induced rut. It's like I've grown too comfortable and too sad to do anything about myself. It definitely has been this cycle of being petty and being petty about people not realising that I'm upset and then being even more upset about how petty I'm being. And honestly the more I think about it, the more I'm like "what the fuck is wrong with me?". This is what I mean by being unnecessarily sad, like who the fuck thinks so much that they get sad?? Which makes me think that the reason that I try to work so much and spend so much time studying is to stop being so fucking boring and sad. After thinking about all these things, the only constructive thought that came to my head, was that exciting things don't just happen. You make the exciting things. Which sounds really fucking dumb and cringey but I think when you're so caught up in your own head, you forget about the most simple things. Now that sounds all well and good but what do I do with this epiphany?? I think the things that really stands out to me is that I should really find a job related to my passion- teaching. I know I said before that work is just an excuse I use to not do things but I honestly feel like I will be a lot more satisfied if I could find a job related to what I love. Which means that I will need to quit one of my jobs right now. It is something I honestly think about almost every day, it's crazy. There are a number of factors stopping me- the people, the money and it's the sheer fact that it makes me feel needed (whether or not this is true, is a different story but a girl can dream). Which is dumb because I could always get this out of a new job but I'm very scared. Which brings us full circle bc my bitch ass behaviour is the reason hi why I'm so unhappy.
So what to do, what to do??
As always, I never really know what the fuck I'm doing when I'm writing these but nonetheless, we're here.
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ADV // 20
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