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/ Monday, 26 February 2018
@17:59 /
A new semester of university is starting soon and this semester I'll be going in with three jobs. Even typing it sounds crazy but I vowed this year that I would look after myself and I intend to keep that promise. During the break because I had nothing to do, I was working 6 days a week and on the one day that I was off, I would make it a point to go out. I was like that for about 3 weeks and I could feel myself being drained of energy. Now with another job and uni on top of it, I know I couldn't keep this up. It wouldn't be fair to the students that I plan to tutor and not fair to myself either.
So with the way things are going, I only plan to do about 20 hours a week, which is a big change from doing 20-25 hours, sometimes almost 30 hours (and that's including university). My bank account is definitely going to be very sad but with how crazy I've been mentally and getting sick so often, this is what I need. It's definitely a lesson in not just self care but also learning to say "no". The amount of times I've agreed to do things, even though I really didn't want to is ridiculous. This new job is exactly where I want to be and I need to let go of the way that I'm living, in order for me to do it properly. I can't let my guilty conscience run my life.
So here's me hoping that all goes well this semester. The sheer idea of it, actually makes me want to throw up but fingers crossed.
/ Wednesday, 21 February 2018
@19:01 /
My soft and sensitive heart does not need a soft and sensitive man.
Or any kind of man for that matter. Rather, it needs a focus. The emotion needs to be channeled into something productive. An outlet which allows it to feel wholeheartedly without letting it consume itself. A place for it’s softness to be acknowledged and valued. A way for it to express itself and turning that into something that speaks to people. My soft and sensitive heart has so much to share, if only it knew how. / Monday, 8 January 2018
@23:17 /
Explain to me how to become a confident, independent, fully functioning human of society, when even the idea of leaving the house makes me nervous and anxious. everything drives me crazy. how do I stop the feeling of dread from filling every single pore in my body
/ Wednesday, 3 January 2018
@04:05 /
Just even for one day I'd like the simple indulgence of being infatuated with someone.
I think I could accept rejection and the pain of a one sided love, if I could experience the butterflies of a stupid crush. I hear so many people talk about serious relationships, commitment, even marriage and just for a moment I would like to remember what it feels like to mindlessly adore someone. To look at someone and only feel pure, unadulterated love.
It sounds immature, but in a world where all I'm doing is thinking and overthinking, it'd be nice to be able to just feel.
/ Wednesday, 29 November 2017
@17:22 /
For those who don't know, I recently turned 20 and it's pretty scary. I feel like I should be a new person but it just comes with more responsibilities. A responsibility to look after myself and push myself to be a better person. It sounds pretty lame but if we can't do that for ourselves than what's the point? New year, new Ash
It's okay to be satisfied by superficial things I think this is one of the biggest things I learnt while working. If I had a dollar for the amount of times I've been asked "why do you work so much", I wouldn't need to work. I like earning because I can spend it on whatever the fuck I like. I don't have a car or a house or anything big in mind. I just want to buy a fuck ton of books and makeup, is that so bad? I think this way of thinking applies to most things. If the only reason you go to the gym is so that people will compliment you on ig, then you do you. Not everything has to have a deep ass meaning. As long as you're happy, then that's all that matters. People will judge you regardless, so do whatever you want. Don't let guilt consume you
I'm guilty of agreeing to things because I feel bad. Or just not doing what I want because I'll feel guilty about it later on. Whether it's saying yes to something or not doing something because of the chance that someone else might not like it. At times, it's definitely this perceived worry that actually isn't real. Like if I actually wanted to do what I want, there would be no real repercussions. I'm just stressed about future guilt that I would feel. So moral of the story, don't worry too much. Something I actually haven't learnt tbh LMAO A realisation more than anything.
There is still room to grow in self-love
There's this idea that if you love yourself, you can't change yourself. I think a big part of accepting who you are, is accepting that you have flaws and that you can change. If anything, loving yourself means being open to change. Realising that you aren't the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, even a different person from yesterday. I'm allowed to love myself and still think I'm a dumb cunt. Accept myself and still realise that I look goofy af. Self love and self care means knowing that you are good, but you can be better.
Always make time for people you love and care about
This is something that I really appreciate when it's done for me and I try to make the effort to do the same. If you can't take 5 minutes out of your day, to ask someone how they're doing that you need to reevaluate yourself. Life is hard and it gets busy but if you're using that as an excuse you are the worst kind of friend. I'm at a point in my life where if I didn't want someone in my life, I could easily break them off. With that in mind, I think it's important to realise who is important to you and why they're important. In that same vein, think about what can you do to make sure that the relationship is 10/10 Skincare is everything This might just apply to me, but learning to take care of my skin has been really therapeutic. There is nothing that calms me down more, than taking a moment to take care of myself. I guess it is a form of self care that I find really satisfying and enjoyable. My skincare journey is really funny to me, because I never really wore makeup because I was scared that it would make my skin worse. I then started wearing makeup more regularly and this led to me spending more time taking care of my skin. As a result my skin improved drastically and I stopped wearing crazy amounts of base makeup. It was this weird cycle and here I am. A crazy skincare hoarder. Honestly, it is very expensive, but I honestly think that taking care of your skin is crucial and a sign of good health. Get on it, guys and gals!!!! Take a moment to be creative I feel as if being creative is honestly so helpful in self growth. When I say creative, I don't necessarily mean creating something from scratch. Something that I personally enjoy, that a feel like is kinda creative, is adding to my pinterest boards. It feels like I'm creating a particular aesthetic for my life. Maybe it's not exactly creativity, but it's finding a different way to do something that you normally do. For me, it's changing up my makeup, or re organising my book situation. Doing something small and different, shakes up life with minimal effort. It keeps things fresh and breaks up the mundanity of life. Relationships Sometimes I wonder if I even have a right to talk about relationships with my very obvious single status LOL I go through this cycle of wanting to be in a relationship and being really proud of my independence. At the end of the day, I think everything requires a certain amount of effort. I think if I tried a lot harder and put myself out there, I could find someone. At the same time, I just feel not ready for a relationship. Like I'm too immature or too insecure to let someone in my life. I have too much emotional baggage and that's not me trying to make an excuse. I guess this is me trying to say that I need to constantly work on myself and my flaws. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, if they had to be with someone who couldn't look after themselves. And also to put more effort into getting to know people. If I'm interested I should just go for it. I have this fear that people won't like me and it's just something that I need to get over. Important life lessons yo / Sunday, 22 October 2017
@01:39 /
it's all love Here Come The Dogs - Omar Musa I'm writing this post today to talk about the novel Here Come The Dogs. I am absolutely enamoured by it. Sometimes when I talk about the "type" of guys that I like, I always say something along the lines of someone who can appreciate books, tv, movies, etc. in the same way I do but also someone who has a similar upbringing to me (that first generation australian, immigrant parents, low key ghetto, refugee hustle life yo). Or in kind of simple terms a USYD student combined with people from my high school. I don't know if it's just me and the kind of people I attract but I feel like I don't know many people like that. I bring this up because I feel like this novel encompasses this perfectly. The novel jumps from prose to poetry. The book starts with "where are these cunts?" and also explores themes of race, gender, family, love, dare I say, belonging and discovery. There is something so raw and so no bullshit about the novel that really speaks to me. I can't say that I relate directly to the experiences of the characters, but the core issues and the way its presented, resonates deeply with me. The novel is centred around three different men and I think what makes this novel, well for me at least, is that these men are people you grew up with, people you work with, people you know from the local cafe you go to- they feel so real and that's what I love. And as much as I love killer characters, the book is very poetic- as in parts of it are literally poetry too. But the way Musa writes, it's the type of stuff that you wish you had said yourself or want to throw into your instagram caption because that's how beautiful it sounds (or maybe that's just me AHAH) ALSO as much as it is beautiful, it does explore some real issues that are bound to make people uncomfortable and I think it's that contrast between beauty and discomfit that really makes the book stand out. It's easy to be disillusioned by beauty but the book really lays down the reality of the situation and it is really jarring at times but I think that's life right? Throwing it back to an old post I made about people and contradictory features (props to u if u rmbr), I spoke about how all people have sides to them seem like they conflict with how they normally are but that's just part of who they are- and more broadly what it means to be a human. Like we aren't restricted by rules- you can enjoy both Bodak Yellow and Black Pink and there is nothing wrong with that (sounds like someone I know???). Again, where am I going with this?? Well, to me this novel is like that with the so called contradictions. You don't expect a book that uses the word "cunt" to be heartbreakingly poetic, but it is. To be real and to be true and to speak on things that might be controversial or problematic is beautiful. I don't fuck with meaningless ~aesthetics~ and I think that's why I'm so obsessed with this book. The book has a real "fuck it" attitude and I'm all for it. 10/10 would DEFINITELY recommend. ((is it obvious that I just wanted to talk about bc nobody else would listen to me rave about the same shit over and over again)) ↠
hi hello
/ Wednesday, 27 September 2017
@07:27 /
I was going through my tweets (like the narcissist that I am) and I came across a tweet that I made about a year ago. "Exciting times ahead", I tweeted and it made me really sad. I can't really pinpoint what exactly I was excited about but I don't think that's what had made me sad. It was more of the fact that I find myself not being excited for things. Of course it's easy to look back at things with rose coloured glasses, even your own memories but it made me realise how unnecessarily sad I was being. I think for at least the last 6 months, I've been stuck in this self pitying rut. I'm not going to lie, it's definitely a self induced rut. It's like I've grown too comfortable and too sad to do anything about myself. It definitely has been this cycle of being petty and being petty about people not realising that I'm upset and then being even more upset about how petty I'm being. And honestly the more I think about it, the more I'm like "what the fuck is wrong with me?". This is what I mean by being unnecessarily sad, like who the fuck thinks so much that they get sad?? Which makes me think that the reason that I try to work so much and spend so much time studying is to stop being so fucking boring and sad. After thinking about all these things, the only constructive thought that came to my head, was that exciting things don't just happen. You make the exciting things. Which sounds really fucking dumb and cringey but I think when you're so caught up in your own head, you forget about the most simple things. Now that sounds all well and good but what do I do with this epiphany?? I think the things that really stands out to me is that I should really find a job related to my passion- teaching. I know I said before that work is just an excuse I use to not do things but I honestly feel like I will be a lot more satisfied if I could find a job related to what I love. Which means that I will need to quit one of my jobs right now. It is something I honestly think about almost every day, it's crazy. There are a number of factors stopping me- the people, the money and it's the sheer fact that it makes me feel needed (whether or not this is true, is a different story but a girl can dream). Which is dumb because I could always get this out of a new job but I'm very scared. Which brings us full circle bc my bitch ass behaviour is the reason hi why I'm so unhappy.
So what to do, what to do?? As always, I never really know what the fuck I'm doing when I'm writing these but nonetheless, we're here. / Sunday, 3 September 2017
@04:39 /
As you become older, I think you really begin to understand how easy friendships are.
I think there is this conception that friendships are so hard when you're an adult. (wowowo new phase in my life ~adult tingz~) But I don't know if it's like the era that we live in or it might just be me but friendships are so simple now. I back track when I say that their easy, what I really mean is that they're very simple and straightforward. At least in my case, someone I consider to be a close friend is someone who I see, physically, quite regularly (whether it be fortnightly, monthly whatever), and between those catch ups, I "talk" to them via social media/text/ u know the deal. I put the word talk in quotations because I use it very very loosely. If someone sends me a snap or mentions me in a comment or replies to my mentions or lols at my tweets, that's talking to me. And you might be thinking "wow this girl is fking antisocial af and her friendships are so shallow" and I can totally understand why you would form that opinion of me. Honestly as I'm writing this, I'm thinking maybe there is something wrong with me LOL BUT looking at my friendships now and some of the friendships that I used to have //high school// I don't think I would have it any other way. And this is where this idea of simple friendships comes in because I am an adult, with responsibilities (uni and work are the bane of my existence and are slowly crushing my soul) and I have adult friends with their own kinds of responsibilities and if being friends means tagging them in a dumb meme than I'll take that over any kind of fake "friendship goals" bs. It's this unspoken promise that I'll be here if you need me, you just gotta show some kind of small gesture that you still want me around. I'm so tired of waiting on people to show that they care so I simplified the process and if you can't even do that for me than cya l8er. I think the idea of adult friendships being hard to maintain comes from this idea that you're too busy to catch up. It makes complete sense but it literally takes two seconds to be like "yo I saw you trying that new burger joint, how good is it??" We're in an age where social media allows you to communicate regularly with people half way around the world, why would you let that go to waste?And I mean of course there is that problem of miscommunication or life moving too fast and you just forget about replying to a message but that's life tho. Those things can easily be fixed by agreeing to have brunch once a month right? I definitely agree that an online relationship doesn't make up for actually physically seeing and talking to someone but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. People talk about maintaining relationships being too hard but they're only as hard as you make them. It's all about knowing your priorities and sticking to them. If you're not going to commit a 100% into a friendship/relationship then stop wasting your time and stop wasting other people's time. You might be thinking, where did this come from all of a sudden? Don't think too deeply about it AHAH If you're trying to analyse this and make this about someone then stop. I do this thing where I kind of just reevaluate my life every couple of months or so. Sometimes it can be super enlightening and sometimes I'm even more confused. A thing that became more pertinent, even tho I'm lowkey thinking about it all the time, is where I stand with my friendships. I'm a naturally anxious and insecure person and there are times where I've been like "oh fk they're hanging out with so and so like what does that make me??" and I'm not going to lie but it happens pretty often. And then there comes this self hate because I feel so fking petty and dumb and it just becomes this cycle of negativity and resentment. So I'm trying to do something about these emotions rather than let them make me upset and angry. It's honestly really easy to be angry and upset with the world but at the same time it's really fking exhausting and I have a lot on my plate and I really can't afford to be so emotionally tired. I said before that friendships are more simple than they seem but another important thing to remember is the intent and the emotion behind an action. There are a bunch of simple things that I could have integrated into my life, but didn't because I felt like I was being annoying or stupid. When the reality was that it would've made my life so much better. So what I'm trying to say is that simple things can be more meaningful than what it looks like?? And that you have to constantly remind reflect on what you're doing and why you're doing it and how does it make you feel. Because that's the thing that's going to keep you going. I honestly don't know what the fuck happened. It kinda started somewhere and it ended up completely different to how I imagined it LOL THAT'S LIFE YO ((I just needed somewhere to word vomit and although it is a mess I hope someone out there can take something remotely positive out of this bye see u in 6 months)) / Tuesday, 14 March 2017
@03:34 /
So it's been just over 6 months since I've posted here.
During those 6 months, I've been busy (working, uni, working, working, uni) and I just couldn't put into words what I really wanted to say. It definitely took a toll one me, not having an outlet to vent but I overcame this by journaling and just writing things by hand. I feel like there is definitely a pressure to write the right words when you blog because you are posting it for the world to see (regardless of if anybody actually reads it, I mean it's still out there on the internet). I kind of got back into handwriting stuff in general when I started taking notes at uni (went back to typing lecture notes bc all my lecturers talk too fast, but I digress). I've always enjoyed handwriting birthday cards for close friends (If you don't get a handwritten essay on your birthday, it means we're not friends) ( kidding my essays are pieces of art that take a long time to craft, thus you shouldn't be too sad bc they only appear once in a blue moon lel). This year I started a 365 journal and I really enjoy it. It is difficult coming up with something to write every day but I love how candid and random I can be. It's a place for me to be obnoxiously poetic and at the same time I can say the dumbest shit and it doesn't matter bc nobody is going to read it. (I have 3 days worth of crying over Your Name, no joke) And it's not even that nobody will read it, I won't even go back to read it, which is kinda the best part. It all comes out and that's it. Whereas this blog, because i am so self conscious about what I post, I'm always re-reading and editing and it kinda makes me hate everything I post. Just because it comes out of such a raw place and to see it so refined is really strange and not right? So yeah that's my spiel. I might come back, I might never come back? But at the moment I am very content with writing random bullshit in my 365 journal so yeah. x0xo Ash (so cringe lmao0 / Tuesday, 13 September 2016
@06:11 /
I used to put myself on a pedestal because it made me feel important and wanted but now it's more reassuring to see myself as just a speck of dust in an entire galaxy filled with things much larger and more meaningful than I would ever be. The more insignificant I feel, the better I am at coping with making mistakes and just doing my own thing. My whole world might be changing, but in the grand scheme of things it could be a lot worse. / Friday, 2 September 2016
@04:07 /
Sometimes people leave your life so seamlessly, it feels as if they were never there in the first place. When you left I thought the spaces, which you had once filled, would leave me hollow and heartbroken. But instead I found reflections of myself. All different angles, and perspectives but all me. It then occurred to me that the spaces weren't an absence of you, but an absence of myself. The things I lacked in myself, I tried to find in you. An ultimately futile friendship but a lesson learnt. There will always be people who fill the seemingly empty spaces in your life, but in the end only you can complete you.
/ Monday, 29 August 2016
@05:05 /
And this is the beginning to the end.
Finding closure is when you know the hardest part is all over. But what is closure? How do you know closure is closure? How do you know for certain that all those feelings won't come to haunt you in those late night moments of weakness? I don't believe in getting over someone. No such thing as forgetting the feelings. You just learn to put your time and effort into more important people, more important pursuits. That doesn't mean that when you're having a bad day that the thought of those times of your life don't come back to make you feel worse, because a moment of weakness is never really ever a moment is it? It starts and progresses and when you find yourself thinking of someone who has brought you grief and pain, then that’s the worst part because you realise that the pain never gets easier. But at this point, you're getting better. At least you're associating said person with negative thoughts, rather than being still hung over wonderful memories of the past. People say to keep the wonderful memories and to get over the pain but isn't it the good times of the past that give you the most pain? Wouldn't you rather the anger than the constant reminder of what could've been? Hey I’m no professional but I am a survivor. I've experienced the pain of losing people who you thought would always be there. Who had always been there. But such is life. Nothing lasts forever. And if I've learnt anything it's that all things, will at some point, pass. And if it's any consolidation, I've had people leave me. I've let people leave me. These experiences have been the most painful and yet I'm still here. The spaces where they once occupied continue to weigh down on me but it's the weight of it that's made me stronger. The spaces have made me appreciate intimacy. The things I lack have heightened my appreciation for everything I do have. The beginning of the end is scary and the pain seems unbearable. The beginning of the end does not get easier. It might seem like it does but don't be fooled. Only the strongest endure the beginning of the end. The more we look back at our life, we realise how small our problems used to be and that is evident of the strength we gain as a person. If you’re a survivor, there are only going to be more bad times ahead. Worse than the ones you could’ve ever experienced. But what is pain without even just a brief moment of happiness? The only people who feel pain are the ones who have known happiness. It's times like this we acknowledge that ignorance is truly bliss. Happiness seems so small and fleeting compared to the large doses of sadness that we feel but a little happiness can get you a long way. The end always means a beginning. And a new beginning is a closure. Closure doesn't mean that the past won't come back to find you, but at least you know what you’re in for. / Friday, 5 August 2016
@02:55 /
I've been going over my old posts and over analysing them as per usual and I just wanted to clarify something. Although it's pretty obvious how much of a hopeless romantic I am, I'm not specifically looking for a relationship.
I definitely love the idea of a relationship but it honestly seems so exhausting. I think that communication is like one of the most important things if you want a healthy relationship ("I think" because how I would I know? LOL) and I'm honestly horrible at communicating. To me, if you don't ask I probably won't tell you. It's not me trying to be secretive or ~*mysterious*~, I just assume most people aren't interested. Although that might sound incredibly self deprecating, not much really happens in my life, so it gets kinda blurry when it comes to things I find important and actual important things. So in my eyes, everything gets categorised as "not that important", therefore not worth telling people about AHAH I'm actually really bad at just talking in general whether it be in real life or calling or texting. I'm not good at being cute and charming, and I find talking really tiring so yeah I'm no fun lololll And just in general I would be a horrible girlfriend no lie. Like for one, I'm one of those people who pretends not to care but I high key care. Just like I pretend I'm pretty chill but I will definitely be high key jealous 24/7, which is not cute. I just am not sure that I'm really a relationship kinda girl. Or am I trying to make myself feel better because I'm not in a relationship??? Psychoanalysing myself, typical me AHAH Well I've had Dear No One by Tori Kelly on repeat for the past couple of weeks and I want to adopt that kinda cool but at the same time super positive attitude that Dear No One has bUT Oui by Jeremih is also one of my favourites right now so y'know mixed feels This is a hot mess, I'm out / Saturday, 9 July 2016
@21:30 /
jealousy is definitely one of the ugliest parts of me but I just can't seem to let it go
~*insecurities peaking*~
/ Monday, 4 July 2016
@01:43 /
Trying to make it a point to notice nice things that happen bc my brain has been so toxic lately
/ Thursday, 9 June 2016
@22:18 /
It's taken me a while to accept that I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I think part of why it was so hard to accept the inner sap (lulz) was because it really does make me feel extremely vulnerable. It's like letting your guard down and it really scares me. Another reason why it makes me feel so self conscious is because I feel like a lot of people just say romantic things or do romantic things without meaning it. Combined with the fact that I am such a huge sucker for romantic acts and those lines that make your heart beat like crazy, it adds to that worry that isn't really real and I'm just falling for empty words. It just sounds too good too be true and I feel the constant struggle between being a huge romantic and being too cynical. I read romance novels and watch k dramas and my heart can't deal with how sweet and how genuine it all feels but a part of me knows that it isn't real and it makes me so sad. And if this is how I feel over works of fiction, how am I suppose to cope in the real world?I've been reading lots of novels with romance and watching romantic films, listening to love songs and even just watching k dramas and I can't deny that I love it. It might not seem like a big deal, but for someone who firmly believes in being independent and living for yourself and having a no bullshit kinda attitude, and then coming to terms with being in love with falling love, it's kinda scary. I find it incredibly easy to be cynical and cautious but letting your guard down is scary stuff and a part of me hates it but it's so heartbreakingly beautiful and as much as I try to be rational about it, it comes around and I feel like a young and innocent girl, who never grew out of fairy tales. For someone who has always felt like they had to be independent and never rely on anybody, opening yourself up to ideas of romance is so terrifying. It sounds so crazy coming from someone who has been single for a long time, like what would I know about romance and love? But the thing is I see it everywhere and of course I only see the best parts of relationships, but the fact that I constantly see the same people in love makes me believe in this very genuine and very pure idea of love. Love definitely becomes heightened when you're not in love.
Ah this is some crazy rambling but after watching Her and reading Saving Francesca and Fangirl and just listening to old school rnb and god my heart. / Saturday, 28 May 2016
@22:23 /
I recently watched the film Her for university and I really loved it. Not gonna lie, the premise of the film is totally weird and the film can be very strange at times. I really enjoyed it because I think it really captured what it means to be lonely. The main protagonist lives in a very privileged and comfortable life and yet he is unsatisfied. It might sound very first world problem-y but I think it explores the idea of what it means to be happy with your life. Comfort and stability is definitely nice but there is more to life than feeling safe and warm and I really feel like Her explores that aspect really well. I really recommend you watch this film. Warning, there is some really strange sexual scenes in the film but I think if you can look past it, it's a really awesome film. Btw, it is also super aesthetically pleasing, which is a plus in my books.
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@22:11 /
"Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt." / Friday, 6 May 2016
@23:04 /
I thought I would start with a nice quote about not caring what people think and being positive and what not but thinking about it I was like cringing so I here I am. Not gonna lie, I love me a good quote about empowering yourself and whatever but it just didn't feel right.
So about last time... I had a slight mental breakdown. It happens and I always feel different. I mean looking back at that post that I made on Monday, I don't feel like I'm that person. I mean if you know me, I'm all about positive vibes and loving yourself but everybody has their weaknesses. I don't know what happened but at the same time I feel like it was inevitable. I'm not good with words and saying things (which might be why I love my quotes AHAH), so I tend to overcompensate with self deprecating memes (surprise surprise). It all seemed to come crashing down on me and I just felt really scared because I wasn't sure how to cope. I don't know where I am going with this, but I would just like to point out that I'm fine.
I was initially going to some words of positivity for people who find it difficult to deal with their anxieties but thinking about it I don't think I'm the best person to offer advice. One of the things that did really help me to get through this week, and life in general is music. I made a playlist this week with songs that made me feel good and I thought I would share it here. There are about 20 songs, a mix of some old stuff and new stuff. There are some Korean songs but not many- like less than 5 LOL I mean music is a totally subjective thing, but sometimes it helps to listen to music that you wouldn't usually listen to. Or at least I really enjoy doing that. Either way, listen to some good music, it helps.
(please enjoy) / Monday, 2 May 2016
@23:16 /
I'm beginning to realise how easy it is to put off thinking about things I'm anxious about by just doing pretty much anything. The moment I catch myself worrying bout something important I just replace those worries with something more trivial and I feel like it's finally coming to get me. Something that I've ignored for the longest time is whether my interest in people exists because I'm actually interested in them or just because I'm lonely. Apart from it being pretty fucking sad, it's just so weird because the idea of commitment freaks me out so much and yet I'm a low-key attention seeker. (low key bc I hate it but it makes me feel nice at the same time) (I'm a walking contradiction it really sucks) And flat out, it just really sucks. I try not to think about it but I find myself constantly worrying about if people think I'm desperate or spewing bc I feel like I missed an opportunity to become friends with someone (basically uni). And even when things turn out well, I can't help but feel so annoying and I don't know if I'm being too over dramatic or this is some deep rooted insecurity that I have EITHER WAY I don't know how to deal with all this anxiety that I feel and it's stressing me out. Part of the reason why I'm writing this write now is because I have to let it out but I am internally cringing bc I sound so melodramatic and I just want to neck myself for being one of those first world problem people. This constant cycle of worrying about such basic crap is so suffocating but I don't know how to stop. And I really need to stop because I have 4 essays due and I really don't have time to deal with me having a mental breakdown. I keep typing but part of me wants to chuck this in the drafts and leave me to worry about it another time. You know your the procrastination queen when you procrastinate feelings lolololll.
Fuck it, here goes nothing. Good luck with trying to read this bc I don't even know if I can read this LOL
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Hello
ADV // 20
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